The Style Invitational Week 1016 Foaling around
By Pat Myers, Thursday, April 4, 3:59 PM
Python x Just Win Baby = Snaked Ambition
Fear the Kitten x Overanalyze = Felis
Envy
While those pink-and-red
equal-sign icons continue to pepper the pages of Facebook, what a fitting time
to pony up our annual horse-“breeding” contest — in which virtually all 100
racehorses on our list are, as usual, male.
This contest, which has been
one of the Invitational’s most heavily entered since it debuted in 1995 — some
people enter this contest, and only this contest, every year, and the Empress
routinely gets thousands of entries — works like this:
On this page is a list of 100
of the horses nominated for this year’s Triple Crown races (see the chart below
to the left; click on it or click here for an enlarged and printable verson).
“Breed” any two and give the “foal” a name humorously reflecting the names of
the parents, as in the examples above. As in the real thoroughbred registry, a
name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces. You may use numerals and/or
punctuation, but they count as characters. The usual limit of 25 entries per
week will be rigidly enforced. Take care to spell the parents’ names correctly,
since the Empress will be searching for only those names during the judging.
And do the E a favor and double-space your list of entries, if you’re sending a
bunch. Don’t bother making a three-way combination, or using a name from the
list as a foal.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives the book “Political Babble: The 1,000 Dumbest
Things Ever Said by Politicians.” (Examples: “When many people are out of work,
unemployment results.” — Calvin Coolidge; “I would have made a good pope.” —
Richard Nixon.) Donated by Loser Amanda Yanovitch.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a
smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, April 15 (since you won’t have anything else due around then); results
published May 5 (online May 2 — just before the Kentucky Derby). Include “Week
1016” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your
real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules
and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable
mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline for the “next week’s
results” line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational
Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Still
running — deadline Monday night — our contest for musical fictoids. See bit.ly/invite1015.
Report from Week 1012, in which we asked for limericks about topics in the
news: A dismaying number of the close to 1,000 entries lacked the
“hickory-dickory-dock” rhythm essential to a limerick, but we knew there’d be
plenty of gems.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
6-year-old suspended for
pointing his finger like a gun
Because hand-“guns” make
principals fret,
Here’s a tip you must never
forget:
Do not stick your first digit
Up your nose while you fidget
Or they’ll swear you’re a
suicide threat.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
2. Winner of the yellow-goo-popping squeeze
ball:
Hugo Chavez dies
In Caracas, the tension’s at
boil
As a dictator’s shuffled his
coil,
And the foreign states vie
To install their own guy,
Because
it’s a small world, after oil. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
3. Pope Benedict dressed to
the hilt —
Prada shoes, golden threads
in his kilt —
But for Francis, no-flair
Vestments simple and spare:
Say! A Catholic without any
gilt! (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)
4. Horsemeat
labeled as beef in Europe
In a Paris cafe
I’m alone,
Eating steak, when
I call the garçon,
“Got
a question here, chief.
Is this meat
really beef?”
“Non, monsieur, zat’s zee filly mignon.” (Chris Doyle, Ponder,
Tex.)
Lamericks: honorable mentions
Little knives on a plane are
now fine
Since the TSA says they’re
benign,
But the agents on guard
Are now forced to work hard
To keep people from cutting
in line. (Kevin Dopart)
Republicans seek to broaden constituency
Since with women, the GOP’s
found,
Their support’s on the
shakiest ground,
They’ll shore up their image
before the next scrimmage,
To make certain it’s all
ultra-sound. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Sen. Rand Paul’s filibuster
If you’d scuttle a measure on
cloning,
Marriage rights, or
assault-weapon owning,
Make them fall, one and all!
Take a tip from Rand Paul:
The deadliest weapon is
droning. (David Smith, Stockton, Calif.)
Dennis Rodman visits Kim
Jong-un
Dennis Rodman has made a new
friend,
Though the
guy may have gone ’round the bend.
While he’s not very tall,
Un loves basketball.
He could play horse or be its
back end. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)
Weary was House Speaker
Boehner
When he noted, “It couldn’t
be ploehner
That we’d get much more done,
And might even have fun,
If my
colleagues were just a bit soehner.”
(John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)
Lululemon’s too-sheer yoga
pants
I was wary and, yes, a bit
frightened,
But my interest in yoga’s now
heightened:
I just stare, in a trance,
Since my classmates’ new
pants
Became sheer, or as I say,
“enlightened.”
(Seth Tucker, Washington)
Rep. Rob Portman supports gay
marriage
“Same-sex marriage?” cried Portman. “No way!”
Till he found out his own son
was gay.
If he’ll only act on
Bills affecting his spawn,
Let’s sequester his kids for
a day. (Denise Sudell, Cheverly, Md.)
Budget trouble I
Through the fiscal mess,
congressmen showed
They deserve every cent they
are owed.
They still merit their pay
For the diligent way
They keep kicking the can
down the road. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Budget trouble II
No tax rise, so voters won’t grudge it--
That’s how we’ll come up with
our budget.
Closed loopholes we’ll use
To increase
revenues.
And the
rest of the deficit? Fudge it. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.)
Budget trouble III
“Though more Medicare cuts won’t appeal,”
Said the president, “let’s make a deal.”
In Washington jargon,
That’s called a “grand
bargain,”
And it certainly sounds like
a steal. (Frank Osen)
“News in Brief,” March 13
Post
In Rome, a new symbol of
hope;
In Springfield, a serial
grope;
In Arundel, that “stag”
With his catheter bag:
Just a
pervert, a pope and a dope. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
Benedict XVI resigns
“You should stay. With our
help you can cope.”
But this man was not swayed,
and said, “Nope.”
Have to give him his props
Getting out ’fore he drops,
For this pontiff’s too
pooped, thus, to pope. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
Administration justifies
drone strikes
Though Obama can move you and
thrill you,
You won’t grasp his full
power till you
Have finally known
What it’s like when a drone
Swoops down
from the heavens to kill you. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Chavez dies
“Lord, by gringos my nation’s
been cursed.
I’ve been bullied, traduced
and coerced.
In Hell’s fire they should
fry!
Make them die! Make them
die!”
Came a voice from on high:
“Hugo first.” (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)
Chavez’s body cannot be
preserved
El Comandante gets put in a
grave,
Not displayed with a permanent
wave.
You can’t be caught stallin’
Once a body has fallen;
Seems now
Hugo’s too rotten to save. (Kevin
Dopart)
Senate Republicans try to
scuttle Hagel nomination
When senators (for reasons
vague)’ll
All whine, filibuster,
finagle
To try to deny
Their own party’s guy,
That’s a half-witted scheme
to chuck Hagel. (Danielle Nowlin)
Woman charged with fatally
shooting, stabbing, slashing boyfriend
There was a young woman named
Arias
whose sex life was somewhat nefarious.
But her man wasn’t nice,
So she bumped him off thrice.
Now her future is highly
precarious. (Nanci Johnson, Manassas, Va., whose only previous ink was for Week
313, 1999)
Man charged with beating
relative with burrito
First you take a tortilla and
slap in
Some cheese,
then put other cheap crap in;
Throw this thing at a kid
(One guy recently did),
It’s assault with a
half-deadly wrappin’. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
N.Y. ban on large soft drinks
overturned
Mayor Bloomberg’s a
modern-day nanny;
His words to the press are so
canny,
But I say to this scold:
“You can kiss and behold
Sixteen ounces tacked onto my
fanny.” (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Armstrong finally
admits to doping
Lance Armstrong?
Oh, man, what a phony!
No doping? A bunch
of baloney!
The whoppers he
told
Were so brazen and
bold,
I have doubts he’s
got just one cojone. (Chris Doyle)
Thousands of dead pigs found
in Chinese river
In Shanghai, a mysterious
slaughter
Means that even a young son
or daughter
Can obtain full nutrition
With great ease in the kitchen:
Pork soup flows from the tap
just like water. (Seth Tucker)
Predicted D.C. snowstorm
fizzles
“Snowquester” had so much
appeal,
Our hopes
for a big one surreal.
But “eight inches or more”
Soon became less than four;
Now I know how my dates
always feel. (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.)
15,000 crocodiles escape from
S. African farm
Said the
girl, “I’ll swim out to those rocks!”
So she took off her shoes and
her socks.
But the rocks-in-disguise
Had huge jaws and mean eyes;
(. . . On the
plus side, she gets to wear Crocs.) (Beverley Sharp, vacationing in South
Africa)
Carnival cruise ship breaks
down, systems fail
The “fun ships” have lost
their allure
When they
have a disaster du jour.
See, we tend to feel frantic
(And not so romantic)
When up to our ears in
manure. (Beverley Sharp
Shark migration shuts down
Florida beaches
When the sharks got me, I
feared my murder, see?
Then their leader called out,
“Guys, don’t hurt her! See,
This one here’s an attorney;
So just go on your journey:
We owe her professional
courtesy.” (Nan Reiner, Esq.)
And Last:
The Style Invitational’s 20th anniversary
I’ve spent hours on each
witty crack,
Been
rewarded, in essence, with jack.
The Invite turned 20;
Times 50, that’s plenty
Of weeks
that I’ll never get back. (Brian
Cohen)
Next week: Har monikers, or Punzi schemes